Always slightly out of step
My name is Kainat Zeb.
I’m 18, and I was late diagnosed with Level 2 Autism, ADHD, and Developmental Language Disorder.
When I look back at school, I don’t really think of one clear problem. It was more a constant feeling that I was slightly out of step with everything around me. Things would move on before I had fully understood them, conversations would pass before I found the right moment to speak, and instructions would blur together, especially when I was already overwhelmed.
I think what made it harder was that I didn’t have a way to explain any of it. So from the outside, it probably looked like I was quiet, or not engaging, or sometimes even refusing. But I remember it feeling more like everything had just… stopped. Like my brain couldn’t keep up in that moment, no matter how much I wanted it to.
For a long time, I tried to make sense of that on my own. I assumed it was something I was doing wrong. I was diagnosed with anxiety and selective mutism, and while that explained parts of it, it still felt like there was something missing that no one was quite seeing.
It wasn’t until much later, after I had already gone through years of school like that, that I started to get answers. Getting diagnosed didn’t suddenly change everything, but it changed how I understood those years. It gave context to things I had spent a long time blaming myself for.
Now when I think about it, I don’t see someone who wasn’t trying. I see someone who kept going without really understanding why it felt so difficult in the first place.
I think that’s why I want to share my story. Because I know there are people who are still in that stage of not having answers, and it can be a really confusing place to be in. Sometimes just having an explanation can change how you see yourself completely.
— Kainat Zeb, TBB Community Submission
